Courtroom Chronicles: When Witnesses Say the Quiet Part Out Loud

Welcome back to another installment of “Things We Can’t Believe We Actually Had to Transcribe.”

If you caught our last post, you know that courtrooms can be improv comedy shows where nobody’s trying to be funny—which, ironically, makes everything about a thousand times funnier. Today, we’re diving into more actual court transcript moments that made us question whether reality is just an elaborate prank show.

Grab your coffee, settle in, and prepare to lose faith in humanity’s ability to answer simple questions.

The Witness Who Understood the Assignment (Sort Of)

Attorneys like to give very specific instructions to witnesses before questioning begins. Sometimes those instructions backfire spectacularly.

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?

A: Oral.

I’m dying to know how long this went on before someone intervened. Did Gary answer every single question with “Oral” for the rest of his testimony? “What’s your address?” “Oral.” “Do you understand you’re under oath?” “Oral.”

Somewhere, a court reporter was transcribing this while their soul slowly left their body.

When Getting Too Literal Goes Wrong

Here’s the thing about sworn testimony: you’re supposed to be truthful and precise. But sometimes witnesses take “precise” to levels that nobody asked for.

Q: Miss, were you cited in the accident?

A: Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!

Well. That’s certainly one way to interpret the question.

And then there’s this witness who apparently doesn’t understand how interrogations work:

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q: Did he kill you?

A: No.

I guess sometimes attorneys just want to leave no room for doubt, except about their law degree.

The Timeline Paradox

Time is a tricky concept in courtrooms. Apparently, it’s especially tricky for attorneys.

Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Was the attorney expecting the witness to say, “No, she became my daughter on February 15th during a very special ceremony”?

Or how about this philosophical gem:

Q: …and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Yes, counselor, that’s exactly how death works. He woke up, made himself some coffee, read the paper, and then realized, “Oh dang, I’m dead.”

The “How Do Bodies Work?” Collection

If there’s one thing that becomes clear from reading court transcripts, it’s that a surprising number of attorneys are unclear about basic human anatomy.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

WHERE ELSE WOULD IT BE?  “Yeah, he was carrying it under his arm like a football!”

Then we have this medical mystery:

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q: It was covered?

A: Yes, bandaged.

Q: Then, later on, what did you see?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Wow!  Someone is going to need a hat!

The Philosophy Major Pretending to Be a Lawyer

Some questions make you wonder if the attorney is actually trying to win the case or if they’re secretly testing how many words they can string together before someone stops them.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Mr. Brooks is my hero. That objection should be enshrined in legal textbooks.

Can you imagine being the witness sitting there, trying to parse that sentence? Can you imagine being the court reporter who had to accurately transcribe that linguistic disaster?

Actually, you don’t have to imagine. We LIVED it.

The Sex Education Questions

Look, I understand that reproduction and relationships sometimes become relevant in legal proceedings. But these attorneys need to take a deep breath before asking their questions.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

I’m thinking, not the Macarena.

And then there’s this absolute classic:

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A: That is the only kind I know.

Someone slept through Biology 101.

Why We Keep Coming Back

Here’s what I love about this job: every single day reminds us that perfection is a myth. Brilliant attorneys ask nonsensical questions. Confident witnesses give bizarre answers. Judges accidentally say things like “banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.”

We’re all just humans, fumbling through complex situations, occasionally saying things that make absolutely no sense.

And court reporters? We get to document every glorious, ridiculous moment of it.

So the next time you’re feeling embarrassed about a verbal slip-up, just remember: at least you didn’t ask someone if they were present when their own photograph was taken.

The bar, my friends, is remarkably low.

Need more laughs—and legitimate continuing education credits? Visit Court Reporter CEUs where we help you stay certified, even when the testimony is certifiably insane.